I m weird.-.-
I really want to talk to coach but i really dont want to talk to him too.
n i know he stared at me occasionally but i refused to look at him
so i haven been talk to him for very long
actually it has really been very long coz i ve been avoiding him since very long ago
unless he talked to me den i would give yes/no answers
ahya i have no idea why i behave this way.-.-
n someone pointed out that my every entry is abt coach coz u ve no idea how i feel towards him.
he brought me all the up from nth
and then i somehow dropped from up there to nth again.-.-

anyway my issue has somehow became the talk of the town mans.
and teachers are really concerned. faints
actually im more concerned abt the teachers n coach. they are probably going to face more real troubles than me.
life is screwed up man.

but i must say im really grateful for the people who have been supporting me all these days.
esp Xiao Peng You =))) haha. u ve no idea how i wish we could win the gold tgt.
maybe its just fate. some things just happened at a very wrong time.
there are so many what ifs
what if i didnt suddenly dropped down down down all the way to bottom
what if i was progressing normally all these times
what if i coach didnt call me out, what if i didnt get angry with him
I know its very useless to think about that
but somehow i will think about these stuff.
Actually i know coach probably made a mistake to let me shoot because we both know very well that I m not on form n whatever potential i might have is probably quite irrelevent in this type of situation.
sometimes i would think about how different things could be. i ve been wanting to get individual awards before. that is before I suddenly dropped like shit. n today people have been telling me that i have tried my best but im nowhere near my best. but who to blame? until now i still have no idea what has happened then. it just happened.zz

today i was back to the same place taking the same award as last year but the feeling is so different.
the happiness n excitement felt last year are totally not there today
im sorry i cried aft i got the medal
because i just cant forget what were the expectations before, what people had told me last year, how things were supposed to be like. there is no way that i could forget the past.

there are so damn a lot of regrets this year.
but what is there to regret?
i really dont know, i dont know what i did wrong, i have tried so hard to get back but its still too late.